Understand Yourself to Manage Yourself

I get called into jury duty here every other year and I find the whole thing anxiety-inducing and annoying. Not that it is particularly hard and yes, I know it’s your civic duty and such. But for some reason it just really throws me for a loop. 

The lack of control, the inability to plan anything that week while you call in every day at 430 pm to see if you have to go in. Sometimes you get through the week without being called in. Or like in January of 2024 for me where you do get called in after 3 days of waiting. Called in, waiting in a room doing nothing for hours. Having everything you do overseen by a bailiff and judge who decides your fate on their whim. Also then throwing off your entire schedule the next few weeks after, costing me time and real money. A massive monkey wrench in my schedule which drives me berserk. 

Never understood why it bugged me so much. Then my therapist told me she thought I had a mild case of OCPD which is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Which leads to rigidity and stubbornness, obsessiveness with order, rules and control, plus an inability to trust others. A need for perfection & predictability. 

It all kind of makes sense. I think these leanings made me a good operating executive and made the trains run on time wherever I was. Having different plans, being super organized, following up intensely. Not resting until I got the task done. I was able to be a bit more tolerant at work and business. I learned to make allowances for others although it ate me up inside. 

But this was not how I run my own personal schedule and life in general. And probably why I am hell to live with. The inflexibility, the lack of trust in others. I hate unreliable people. 

And I especially hate it when my plans and schedule get derailed. I just loath uncertainty, even if I know intellectually this is just life. The insane levels of rage that comes out when this happens. It all makes sense now. 

So what? you might say. The point I am making is that understanding yourself is critical for managing yourself and your life. Knowing your flaws and predilections, so you can have more control over yourself. To manage hard situations you find yourself in better. And whether you like it or not, there will always be hard situations that come up. It literally never stops. 

Because of this, I still do have plans, and still inevitably follow them rigidly. I just make sure I don’t over book myself & give myself lots of gaps in between calls and meetings so I can be a bit more flexible and less tense aka intense. I meditate. I take short naps to clear my head. 

I’ve also tried to change my mindset. Life used to happen to me, and I’d feel so angry when my plans get derailed. Now I try, stress “try” to follow Tony Robbins’ lesson of being grateful and treating “life as something that happens FOR me.” This is new for me so very far from fully embracing this. But my new religion helps as the saying goes: “Let Go, Let God”. Trust in life, and trust in God’s plan. It’s reassuring to me for some reason.