I Don’t Want To
I remember when my daughter was like 4 or 5 years old, there was this period of time, when she was in this “I don’t want to” stage. Anything or everything we asked her, she would respond in her cute voice: “I don’t want to!” It was a pain back then but I look back to this time with fondness.
“I don’t want to.” Simple words. Yet it gets drummed out of us as we grow up by our families, school, friends, work and society at large. To survive and grow up you have to do things you don’t want to do. This is normal. Most of us mindlessly do this.
You go to school and take requisite classes because you have to, like French (I grew up in Canada), math, biology, or whatever even if you didn’t enjoy the subject. I played violin and viola even though I didn’t enjoy it because my mom made me. I had to work part time jobs, go to University because I grew up in an Asian immigrant household. It literally was not NOT an option.
All of which probably caused me to rebel. I don’t like anyone telling me what to do. It’s why I went backpacking in Europe. It’s why I moved to Taiwan and taught English despite my parents' misgivings. It’s also why I ended up in SF. I wanted to chart my own path.
Yet the irony is I ended up doing a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to. An example being working for someone else. Looking back I am glad I did as I learned a lot but it cost me a lot too.
As you get older, you learn to understand the different types of “I don’t want to.” The type that is good for you and the type that is not so good for you. The good stuff: going to the gym. I hate going to the gym. But it’s so good for you. Managing your diet and having more bland protein power and veggies, all good for you. Doing the stuff on your TO DO list or having that difficult conversation with a colleague or founder or partner. It sucks but it’s better to do it. Eat the frog. Getting up early in the morning so you can steal a march on the day, yet those first five minutes up are painful.
The bad stuff for me: working for someone else. Man, that just kills my soul, being at someone’s beck and call, having to ask if I can go on vacation. Awful. Social obligations to go to events or meet someone I dislike or don’t respect. So many examples of this in Silicon Valley.
This is probably why I focus so much on optimizing my social network, optimizing for financial and time freedom. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. And only do things I don’t want to do that are actually good for me. You should only do a select few “I don’t want to,” not all of them. As you do them over and over again, these become “I want to” and this is the secret of longevity, effectiveness and relevance.
Life is hard. It’s supposed to be. But a good life is one where you get to pick your hard.