Hope Versus Hopelessness: Fighting Through Depression
I am continually surprised when I hear or see that someone, usually young and successful, ends their life. This seems chronic in Hollywood, and I am seeing much more of this in sports and the business world as well. Not sure if this was the case before but we did not have social media and the Internet. Or if it was always around, we just never noticed. It strikes me as a new epidemic.
And these cases seem extra tragic because from the outside it seems like they have everything. But I guess we never truly know the pain people suffer inside. To feel so much pain in your life that it seems easier and better to just end it. What a tragedy.
“The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are!” (Source: https://x.com/hvgoenka/status/1551101818545254400?lang=en#)
This is my situation. I show a face of optimism and energy. I highlight at conferences & do keynotes. But I’m a deeply private and introverted person, filled with rage and deep sadness like many type A individuals.
I think we are so trained by society to think that once we reach our goals and dreams, once we hit that target, that everything will be okay. That you will be happy. But like many people, I’ve learned that this is just not true.
And maybe even worse, that all the crushing sacrifices in time, family relationships and health you made to get there was not worth it.
This has been my 2020-2024. All exacerbated by deep isolation I felt due to pandemic lock downs and just losing touch with so many people.
I tried the escapism of travel and conferences. I tried deep immersion into my businesses, pushing them to levels of risk and redlines of cash flow limits. I tried materialism in buying books. I went down the therapy route as well as exercise route by getting personal trainers and joining fight training camps. I tried going to church more often. These all helped to keep the dark thoughts at bay but they kept returning.
In the darkest moments of night, when I think of the mess that my life had become I fantasize of jumping in front of traffic or taking sleeping pills and not waking up.
But then I think of my amazing daughter and the hope that we can reconcile. Watching her grow and be happy. I think of the many books I want to read. And of the ideas to explore to indulge my curiosity. I think about my beloved Japan, Taiwan and Ukraine. I think of the places in the world I’ve never been to yet like Mongolia, Bhutan, Vietnam, Nepal, Colombia, Zanzibar or Peru.
On the darker side, I tap into my deep hate and anger for my enemies. They win if I go away. One way or the other, I will see them get Rekt. There is a Chinese saying: “Wait by the river long enough and you will see the corpses of your enemies floating by.”
I think of the people reliant on me in my family and businesses. I think about this blog, my writing and the lessons I want to share. And I think of my mission and the impact I can still have on people and in the world at large. That quitting life is the worst thing you can do.
I think about hope. There is always hope. And that taking hard action can make things better. That you can eventually and always fix things if you put in the time and effort. I think about how lucky I am to have what I have: my health, my resources and family and friends all over the world. How grateful I should be. And thus, how I need to stop moping and get back to work & get back to real living. Moving forward.
If you are feeling these dark thoughts. Talk to someone. Think about happy moments in your life. Visualize a better tomorrow. Don’t give in.
As Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings says: “There is always hope.”